The Great Sharpener Man
by Anonymoose
Summary: Sharpener gets ahold of a certain watch! A sensational adventure is in store for you. ***Here's CH8. Er...
1. Sensational Day

The Great Sharpener Man  
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯  
  
Summary: Sharpener gets ahold of a certain watch! A sensational adventure is in store for you.  
  
  
I don't know if the rating in this story will go up, but probably not.  
  
Like all my other fics, I'm making it up as I go along, so please excuse me if it doesn't make much sense.   
It's actually YOUR fault. Really.   
  
Oh, and apparently this is a slightly AU fic. No one knows Saiyaman's identity (except for Saiyaman), okay?  
  
Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z is not something that is owned by the one who is writing this fic.  
  
  
CH 1 Sharpener's Sensational Day  
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Massive muscles, good looks, great hair . . . . Who wouldn't love Sharpener? Satan Videl, that's who. Why not?  
Because she was in love with someone else--someone who was afraid to show his face, most likely because it was  
not as beautiful as our good friend Sharpener's. Satan Videl was in love with a dork in a cape and mask. That   
dork was none other than The Great Saiyaman, protector of Satan City. No one knew who he was, not even Videl.  
So, how could you love someone if you didn't know who they are? The answer is simple, really:  
  
[A/N: Sorry, I can't think of the answer right now. Call back later.]  
  
Anyway, it was clear that Videl cared for that goofy green girly guy by the way she acted around him.   
Sharpener reluctantly recalled the time when he saw her interact with the "hero."  
  
~*~  
  
The mayor was being held hostage by a man dressed as a turkey and a woman dressed as a gravy boat. Little old  
Sharpener had followed Videl out of class when she was summoned by the police. He wanted to see her in action,  
just like every other guy in school did due to the fact that she was . . . well . . . hot!  
Unbeknownst to Sharpener, another student had left class to follow Videl. That student's name is not important  
to the story at all.   
  
"Okay turkey, put down your weapon and maybe you'll just go to prison. If you fight, you might go to prison  
with a few broken bones!" Damn, Videl was sexy when she got all serious and stuff. Sharpener brought a video  
camera with him to film the action. He figured that if he spent enough time filming her, he could make a docu-  
mentary on the lovely little lass. So much effort in her name would surely earn a guy some respect from a gal.  
  
"Sorry lil' gal," the turkey man said in a condecending tone, "but I've got mah ordaz, and mah ordaz is ta keep  
this hyah gun pointed at that thar mayo over thar until I git mah monay."  
  
"Well, if you've got your gun pointed at the mayor, I don't suppose you'd be able to shoot me if I attacked you,  
would ya?" Videl said coolly. She suspected the turkey man of being a moron, so she figured she could trick  
him into allowing her to easily come out of the situation victorious.   
  
"But. . . if you were to hit me, I's supposed ta shoot Mista Mayo. Hey Mayo, are you Miracle Whip or that  
funky jazz mama always used to git?" The thug had confused the word mayor with mayonnaise, so Videl's suspitions  
were confirmed.  
  
She thought for a moment. "I'm going to attack you no matter what, so if you shoot the "mayo," you'll be   
charged with murder. If that happens, not only will you suffer greatly from the pain that I will inflict  
on you, but also from the volts of electricity that will pass through your body after you're given the death  
penalty," the Satan girl reasoned. "Now, would you like to give up, or . . . die?"  
  
"Gawrsh, lil' missy! I ne'er wanna die, no ma'am. Here ya go!" The turkey man handed his gun to Videl, which  
she smacked him into unconcious-ville with. She was so proud of herself that she didn't notice the woman in  
a gravy guise approach her with an impressive assault rifle.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ms. Videl, but it's time for you to die." Videl's heart skipped a beat as she turned around and   
found herself staring at the one who would bring her death, which was apparently someone in a gravy boat.  
But death would not come to Satan Videl easily, not this day. For she was being watched over by a man with  
a wish--that all civilians would remain safe in his fair city. That man was none other than . . .   
No, not Sharpener you doofus.   
  
Without warning, the Gravy Maid's gun was cut in half by that man that was mentioned earlier. You know, the  
one with a wish. Yeah, that guy.   
  
"Escuse me Ms. Gravy Boat, but it's extremely rude to point guns at young ladies," the Great Saiyaman said in  
some phony deep voice. Much to Sharpener's horror, Videl seemed to be blushing at the sight of 'Tireman'. He   
then knocked the gravy woman out.  
  
"No," was all smooth, handsome, sexy, ( but unavailable, to all you ladies out there), Sharpener could manage  
to say as his heart fell to the floor and exploded, much like a depressed man with dynamite strapped to his chest  
after entering an area with high population density would.   
  
"Th-thank you . . . Saiyaman" the young lady said, blushing like a shy man would if you were to ask him to pose  
nude for a painting.   
  
"It's not problem at all, Ms. Videl," the caped creep claimed casually, then flew away like some kind of magic  
carpet with arms and legs.   
  
~*~  
  
Yes, that was a horrible day for anyone named Sharpener, not only because of the heart-breaking realization that  
out favorite kid named Sharpener came to--that Videl had a crush on Saiyaman, in case you forgot already--but  
also because it was National Kick Anyone Named Sharpener In The Rear Day. So the day ended with a broken heart  
and a bruised buttock.  
  
The next day could have possibly been the best day in our jolly old friend's life.  
  
Sharpener just moped around the whole day, hoping to get some attention. No one seemed to care, though except  
for that one weird kid with the pointy hair. What was his name? Han Go? Song Ho? Oh well, it didn't matter  
because that kid was a nerd and nerds are useless.  
  
Anyway, that one kid approached an unusually gloomy Sharpener in the locker room.  
"Hey Sharpener, is something wrong with you? You're looking kind of down," the weird kid said thoughtlessly.  
Obviously he wasn't familiar with the food chain--Sharpener eats scrawny little nerds for breakfast, he doesn't  
talk to them.  
  
"Get lost, nerdlinger. And don't ever speak to me again" our best chum scolded with a shaky voice.   
  
"Sorry," the little geek replied as he rushed out of the locker room.  
  
"Stupid kid . . . Hey, someone left their watch here. It looks pretty fancy." Sharpener tried the watch on and  
decided to keep it after seeing how good it looked on him. He stayed in the locker room admiring himself in the  
mirror until he realized that all the other kids had left the room. Because the mighty young fellow was in   
such a hurry to leave the lroom, he bumped the watch on a sink. Much to his surprise, he was engulfed in  
a strange light and when it faded, he saw The Great Saiyaman in the mirror.  
  
"Hey you, get out of here, you pervert!" Sharpener said to the champion of justice, not realizing that it was   
his own reflection. Then he did realize it, because I'm getting tired now.  
  
"What!? I'M The Great Saiyaman? How come no one ever told me?" Sharpener was confused, just like a squirrel  
would be if you asked him to solve a Rubix Cube. Hey, Sharpener! Do you know what this means? It means that  
Videl has been in love with you all along! Finding out that he was The Great Saiyaman was the greatest saiya  
thing that ever happened to your best friend. [A/N: I'm assuming that Sharpener is your best friend.]  
  
~*~  
  
Yo.   
I be the Great Sharpener Man   
To protect this city   
I do what I can  
  
You cannot deny   
The fact that I  
Am one damn sexy guy  
  
I've got the hots for Videl  
No, not the dictator  
known as Fidel  
  
Castro yo, he's a Cuban  
Doin' bad things  
Like no other human  
  
Being a super hero  
I will put a stop  
To that little queer-mo  
  
But first I will win the heart  
Of Videl Satan  
She'll come to appreciate the art  
  
That is my fine body  
And she won't fall for some dork   
That is perhaps very scrawny  
  
Now for the end of my little rhyme  
Because it is  
Little Sharpener's bedtime  
Yo.  
  
~*~  
  
To be continued!   
  
Sorry if I offended any fans of Fidel Castro.  
  
Go review, and give suggestions on how you think the story should end. I'm leaning for a tragic ending,  
with Sharpener dying and Videl falling for that weird kid instead, but I wouldn't want to upset anyone. 


	2. Golden Girls

THE GREAT SHARPENER MAN  
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Me: I really didn't feel like writing this chapter.   
  
My Dirty Sock: So why the hell did you write it?  
  
ME: I dunno, I was bored I guess. Ah crap, I'm talking to an inanimate object.  
  
Dirty sock: YEAH, ISN'T THAT CUTE!?  
  
Me: No.  
  
Garfield the Cat: I killed your mom.  
  
Disclaimer: i dont own anything related to dragon balls, garfield, wheaties, or nintendo  
  
Me: Who's Disclaimer? Oh well, on with the story.  
  
Garfield: . . . Then I made lasagna out of her intestines.  
  
  
  
CH 3: POR QUE!!!?  
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Sharpener lay in his fetal position, crying like a school girl who had been nearly beaten to death by a small   
gremlin in a wheelchair.  
  
"I'm not worthy of my own name!" The pretty lad shouted to no one but himself, "And Videl probably thinks I'm  
a loser now! Wah ha ha!" Poor little Sharpener then threw off his helmet and cried himself to sleep, but was   
later waken by the sound of something chewing on his eye.  
  
"Huh? What the hell!?" he shouted and jumped to his feet, then noticed an incredibly cute little rat hanging  
on to his eyeball by its teeth. "Aw, hey there little fella!" The soft-hearted and handsome hero carefully   
tried to pull the friendly rat from his precious sense organ. After a slight struggle, the rodent reluctantly  
released and latched onto his lower lip, continuing its feast. "Awww, he's giving me a kiss. Well I like you too!   
Say, how would you like to be my best friend?"  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
"YEAH! Hmm, I think I'll call you Tom!"  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
~*~  
  
You cannot stop us,   
  
'Cause we're super friends!  
  
The longer we stick together,  
  
The farther our life line extends!  
  
  
With Sharpener and Tom,  
  
The great times will never stop!  
  
Even though we live down in the sewer,  
  
We will for certain be comin' out on top!  
  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
We never forget  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Not to regret  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Our times togetha  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
'Cause we are friends foreva  
  
  
WHAT A DAY!  
  
  
I love my friend Sharpener  
  
OH!  
  
He smells like a rose!  
  
UH!  
  
And he never gets angry  
  
HUH!  
  
Unless you try to crawl up his nose!  
  
  
OH-OO-OH  
  
  
And I love my pal Tom  
  
YEAH!  
  
He's well educated in cheeses  
  
HEY!  
  
Sometimes I tickle his nose  
  
OOH!  
  
Because he's so cute when he sneezes!  
  
  
YEAH-EE-YEAH!  
  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Don't touch my butt  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
You stinky little slut  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Aren't you glad that we came?  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
And Sharpener is a really stupid name  
  
  
HEY-EE-YAY  
  
  
YOU CAN NOT STOP OUR FIGHT  
  
We do only what is right  
  
  
TOGETHER WE'LL SAVE THE CITY  
  
And win Videl, who is oh-so pretty  
  
  
I EAT WHEATIES FOR DINNER  
  
So's I can become a winner  
  
  
WE WILL STOP THE MADNESS!   
  
And find a cure for the sadness  
  
  
THE BAD GUYS WON'T STAND A CHANCE  
  
Buy a Nintendo Game Boy Advance!  
  
  
I AM SUCH A FANTASTIC SINGER  
  
Now smell my finger.  
  
~*~  
  
Sharpener spent the whole week in the sewer teaching Tom how to fight, dance, live, and love. Their diets   
consisted of roaches, flies, the occasional alligator, and Sewer Surprise. The teen was, however getting   
somewhat tired of the cold, damp sewer.  
  
"Hey Tom, no offense to your lifestyle or anything, but I really don't like it down here. How'd you like to come up to the surface and live with me? My mom cooks even better than I do!" Tom looked down at the bubbling mound of fecal matter. It smelled of goldfish and human blood.  
  
"Squeak!"   
  
"Then it's settled. Today we leave the sewer and reclaim my throne of Supreme Super Hero," Sharpener said  
with a determined look on his face. "Now let's get packing." The duo had nothing to pack, so they simply left.  
  
~*~  
  
With the Great Saiyaman visor over his face, Sharpener didn't have any trouble getting used to the light. Tom  
was apparently a super ninja rat and could do everything blindfolded, so the cruel sun didn't bother him either.  
  
"Come on, Tom. My home's just a few blocks down," the teen heart-throb told his somewhat less handsome friend. "Wait a minute, if people see the Great Saiyaman going to my house, everyone will know that I, Sharpener, who resides at 1027 Pointy Avenue, am The Great Saiyaman!" Sharpener thought outloud. After thinking for a few minutes, he came to a brilliant conclusion. "I know, I'll take off my suit!" So Sharpener ran into the nearest telephone booth and peeled off the costume, which was in need of a wash anyway. The boy wasn't though; he always smelled nice.  
  
On the way to his house, Sharpener ran into the Satan Mansion. He told his new best friend about how that was   
the place where his future wife lived, and how once Mr. Satan died it'd be his for the taking. "It's getting  
pretty late. Maybe I can get a peek at Videl changing her clothes"  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
"You're right, Tom. That doesn't sound like the kind of crime a super hero would participate in. It does sound  
like a very Sharpener thing to do, though!" After proving that he wasn't a bad hero, Sharpener climbed up the   
vines to what he assumed was a window. When he reached his destination, the sound of water running excited the   
gentleman. "Score! It's a bathroom!" He watched with great interest as the water shut off. The suspense was   
maddening. When the person who had been occupying the shower came out, Sharpener nearly died.  
  
"Why hello young lady," the butler said as he looked out the window at Sharpener. Naked as the day he was born, the butler eyed Sharpener carefully. "Come for a free peak at Maxwell, the world's most famous and charming house attendant?" He took a longer look at Sharpener. "Why, you're not a lady at all. You're a man!" A sly grin appeared on Maxwell's face, while Sharpener stared in horror. ". . . and a very beautiful one at that. Ho ho! Get in here you handsome devil!" The nude butler opened the window and reached for our hero, but Sharpener was too quick for him! He dodged Maxwell's hand with the help of his marvelous reflexes. Unfortunately, he lost his balance and fell.  
  
"No!" They both cried.   
  
Down and down he went, until his fall was broken by a rather sharp gardening instrument, which he carefully pulled out of his torn skin.  
  
"Squeek!" Tom said in an 'I told you so' tone.  
  
"Quiet, you!" The unfortunate lad then limped on home, his rat following close behind. He had learned an important lesson that day. It's too bad he decided on not sharing that lesson with us all.  
  
~*~  
  
"Hey mom, I'm home!" Sharpener called out as he entered his residence.  
  
"And just who might you be?" A sweet little lady, about five feet tall, with blonde hair and glassy blue eyes asked.  
  
"I'm your son! Don't you remember me?"  
  
"No, not especially, but while you're here you can wash the dishes and kill that rat that just walked in."  
  
"Sorry, can't do that. This here is my friend Tom, and he's the best buddy I've ever had." Sharpener's mother  
looked at him in disgust. "He eats just about anything, even dead bodies!"  
  
"Well I guess he can stay then. What's left of my husband is out back. I expect him gone by morning."  
  
"Yes ma'am! Hey, what's for dinner?"  
  
"Human kidneys and sweet potato pie!" she replied in a sing-song voice.  
  
"ALRIGHT!" Sharpener rubbed his hands together and eagerly set off to wash the dishes, then directed Tom to what would be his meal.  
  
~*~  
  
The next day Sharpener attended school once again. He kept Tom in his backpack in case he required the furry little fellow's assistance in his crime-fighting shenanigans. When he arrived at the big . . . dumb . . . orange school, a disturbing scene appeared before him. HIS Videl was having a conversation with that little Hang So No kid. And she was enjoying herself!  
  
"Hey, geek! Don't waste Videl's breath with your unworthy words of nerdliness! She needs all the time she can get to prepare herself to be shocked by my stunning good looks!" Sharpener told the puny little punk.  
  
"Go away, Sharpener. Unlike you, Gohan's actually a nice guy and I like talking to him, so just leave us alone," the feisty vixen retaliated.  
  
This bit of information was a bit too much for Sharpener to handle. "WHAAT!? You LIKE talking to him? And you know his name? Videl, what's gotten into you? Babe, I think you need some serious help. Come to Sharpener and he'll make you all better!" Sharpener reached out to the bodacious babe, but apparently she needed more help than he thought because she actually HIT him. "Ow!"  
  
"So Gohan, what were you saying?"  
  
"Uh, well . . . ." The two walked off to class, t o g e t h e r.   
  
"Why . . . where did I go wrong . . ."  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
To be continued!  
  
Hmm . . . Looks like we finally learned that weird little freak's name. You's got some competition, Sharpy ol' pal! HAHAHA!  
  
I would've updated sooner, but like I said, I didn't feel like writing this chapter.   
Your reviews are appreciated and smooth, just like rabbits. 


	3. POR QUE!?

THE GREAT SHARPENER MAN  
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯  
  
  
  
Me: I really didn't feel like writing this chapter.   
  
My Dirty Sock: So why the hell did you write it?  
  
ME: I dunno, I was bored I guess. Ah crap, I'm talking to an inanimate object.  
  
Dirty sock: YEAH, ISN'T THAT CUTE!?  
  
Me: No.  
  
Garfield the Cat: I killed your mom.  
  
Disclaimer: i dont own anything related to dragon balls, garfield, wheaties, or nintendo  
  
Me: Who's Disclaimer? Oh well, on with the story.  
  
Garfield: . . . Then I made lasagna out of her intestines.  
  
  
  
CH 3: POR QUE!!!?  
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯  
  
  
Sharpener lay in his fetal position, crying like a school girl who had been nearly beaten to death by a small   
gremlin in a wheelchair.  
  
"I'm not worthy of my own name!" The pretty lad shouted to no one but himself, "And Videl probably thinks I'm  
a loser now! Wah ha ha!" Poor little Sharpener then threw off his helmet and cried himself to sleep, but was   
later waken by the sound of something chewing on his eye.  
  
"Huh? What the hell!?" he shouted and jumped to his feet, then noticed an incredibly cute little rat hanging  
on to his eyeball by its teeth. "Aw, hey there little fella!" The soft-hearted and handsome hero carefully   
tried to pull the friendly rat from his precious sense organ. After a slight struggle, the rodent reluctantly  
released and latched onto his lower lip, continuing its feast. "Awww, he's giving me a kiss. Well I like you too!   
Say, how would you like to be my best friend?"  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
"YEAH! Hmm, I think I'll call you Tom!"  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
~*~  
  
You cannot stop us,   
  
'Cause we're super friends!  
  
The longer we stick together,  
  
The farther our life line extends!  
  
  
With Sharpener and Tom,  
  
The great times will never stop!  
  
Even though we live down in the sewer,  
  
We will for certain be comin' out on top!  
  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
We never forget  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Not to regret  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Our times togetha  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
'Cause we are friends foreva  
  
  
WHAT A DAY!  
  
  
I love my friend Sharpener  
  
OH!  
  
He smells like a rose!  
  
UH!  
  
And he never gets angry  
  
HUH!  
  
Unless you try to crawl up his nose!  
  
  
OH-OO-OH  
  
  
And I love my pal Tom  
  
YEAH!  
  
He's well educated in cheeses  
  
HEY!  
  
Sometimes I tickle his nose  
  
OOH!  
  
Because he's so cute when he sneezes!  
  
  
YEAH-EE-YEAH!  
  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Don't touch my butt  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
You stinky little slut  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
Aren't you glad that we came?  
  
SUPER SPECIAL FRIENDS!  
  
And Sharpener is a really stupid name  
  
  
HEY-EE-YAY  
  
  
YOU CAN NOT STOP OUR FIGHT  
  
We do only what is right  
  
  
TOGETHER WE'LL SAVE THE CITY  
  
And win Videl, who is oh-so pretty  
  
  
I EAT WHEATIES FOR DINNER  
  
So's I can become a winner  
  
  
WE WILL STOP THE MADNESS!   
  
And find a cure for the sadness  
  
  
THE BAD GUYS WON'T STAND A CHANCE  
  
Buy a Nintendo Game Boy Advance!  
  
  
I AM SUCH A FANTASTIC SINGER  
  
Now smell my finger.  
  
~*~  
  
Sharpener spent the whole week in the sewer teaching Tom how to fight, dance, live, and love. Their diets   
consisted of roaches, flies, the occasional alligator, and Sewer Surprise. The teen was, however getting   
somewhat tired of the cold, damp sewer.  
  
"Hey Tom, no offense to your lifestyle or anything, but I really don't like it down here. How'd you like to come up to the surface and live with me? My mom cooks even better than I do!" Tom looked down at the bubbling mound of fecal matter. It smelled of goldfish and human blood.  
  
"Squeak!"   
  
"Then it's settled. Today we leave the sewer and reclaim my throne of Supreme Super Hero," Sharpener said  
with a determined look on his face. "Now let's get packing." The duo had nothing to pack, so they simply left.  
  
~*~  
  
With the Great Saiyaman visor over his face, Sharpener didn't have any trouble getting used to the light. Tom  
was apparently a super ninja rat and could do everything blindfolded, so the cruel sun didn't bother him either.  
  
"Come on, Tom. My home's just a few blocks down," the teen heart-throb told his somewhat less handsome friend. "Wait a minute, if people see the Great Saiyaman going to my house, everyone will know that I, Sharpener, who resides at 1027 Pointy Avenue, am The Great Saiyaman!" Sharpener thought outloud. After thinking for a few minutes, he came to a brilliant conclusion. "I know, I'll take off my suit!" So Sharpener ran into the nearest telephone booth and peeled off the costume, which was in need of a wash anyway. The boy wasn't though; he always smelled nice.  
  
On the way to his house, Sharpener ran into the Satan Mansion. He told his new best friend about how that was   
the place where his future wife lived, and how once Mr. Satan died it'd be his for the taking. "It's getting  
pretty late. Maybe I can get a peek at Videl changing her clothes"  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
"You're right, Tom. That doesn't sound like the kind of crime a super hero would participate in. It does sound  
like a very Sharpener thing to do, though!" After proving that he wasn't a bad hero, Sharpener climbed up the   
vines to what he assumed was a window. When he reached his destination, the sound of water running excited the   
gentleman. "Score! It's a bathroom!" He watched with great interest as the water shut off. The suspense was   
maddening. When the person who had been occupying the shower came out, Sharpener nearly died.  
  
"Why hello young lady," the butler said as he looked out the window at Sharpener. Naked as the day he was born, the butler eyed Sharpener carefully. "Come for a free peak at Maxwell, the world's most famous and charming house attendant?" He took a longer look at Sharpener. "Why, you're not a lady at all. You're a man!" A sly grin appeared on Maxwell's face, while Sharpener stared in horror. ". . . and a very beautiful one at that. Ho ho! Get in here you handsome devil!" The nude butler opened the window and reached for our hero, but Sharpener was too quick for him! He dodged Maxwell's hand with the help of his marvelous reflexes. Unfortunately, he lost his balance and fell.  
  
"No!" They both cried.   
  
Down and down he went, until his fall was broken by a rather sharp gardening instrument, which he carefully pulled out of his torn skin.  
  
"Squeek!" Tom said in an 'I told you so' tone.  
  
"Quiet, you!" The unfortunate lad then limped on home, his rat following close behind. He had learned an important lesson that day. It's too bad he decided on not sharing that lesson with us all.  
  
~*~  
  
"Hey mom, I'm home!" Sharpener called out as he entered his residence.  
  
"And just who might you be?" A sweet little lady, about five feet tall, with blonde hair and glassy blue eyes asked.  
  
"I'm your son! Don't you remember me?"  
  
"No, not especially, but while you're here you can wash the dishes and kill that rat that just walked in."  
  
"Sorry, can't do that. This here is my friend Tom, and he's the best buddy I've ever had." Sharpener's mother  
looked at him in disgust. "He eats just about anything, even dead bodies!"  
  
"Well I guess he can stay then. What's left of my husband is out back. I expect him gone by morning."  
  
"Yes ma'am! Hey, what's for dinner?"  
  
"Human kidneys and sweet potato pie!" she replied in a sing-song voice.  
  
"ALRIGHT!" Sharpener rubbed his hands together and eagerly set off to wash the dishes, then directed Tom to what would be his meal.  
  
~*~  
  
The next day Sharpener attended school once again. He kept Tom in his backpack in case he required the furry little fellow's assistance in his crime-fighting shenanigans. When he arrived at the big . . . dumb . . . orange school, a disturbing scene appeared before him. HIS Videl was having a conversation with that little Hang So No kid. And she was enjoying herself!  
  
"Hey, geek! Don't waste Videl's breath with your unworthy words of nerdliness! She needs all the time she can get to prepare herself to be shocked by my stunning good looks!" Sharpener told the puny little punk.  
  
"Go away, Sharpener. Unlike you, Gohan's actually a nice guy and I like talking to him, so just leave us alone," the feisty vixen retaliated.  
  
This bit of information was a bit too much for Sharpener to handle. "WHAAT!? You LIKE talking to him? And you know his name? Videl, what's gotten into you? Babe, I think you need some serious help. Come to Sharpener and he'll make you all better!" Sharpener reached out to the bodacious babe, but apparently she needed more help than he thought because she actually HIT him. "Ow!"  
  
"So Gohan, what were you saying?"  
  
"Uh, well . . . ." The two walked off to class, t o g e t h e r.   
  
"Why . . . where did I go wrong . . ."  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
To be continued!  
  
Hmm . . . Looks like we finally learned that weird little freak's name. You's got some competition, Sharpy ol' pal! HAHAHA!  
  
I would've updated sooner, but like I said, I didn't feel like writing this chapter.   
Your reviews are appreciated and smooth, just like rabbits. 


	4. Master Plan?

Whatever the title of this story was. I seem to have forgotten.  
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯  
  
Disclaimer: Dragon Ball is the property of Akira Toriblah-blah and 'Sex Bomb' is sung by TOM JONES! I don't own or endorse Dr. Pepper either.  
  
Tom Jones is a God.  
  
Now on with the show. *Straightens his nonexistant tie*  
  
CH 4: Master Plan?  
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯  
  
  
  
Sharpener fought back tears as he watched the girl of his and everyone else's dreams converse and flirt with the scrawny little dork. How could she do this to him, after all that they had been through together? Sharpener tried to recall all the hard times they went through with each other in some sort of heart-breaking scene, but then remembered that they hadn't been through anything together at all. It just wasn't his day.   
  
It was sickening, really. He watched in horror as Videl leaned against the locker playfully, blushing like mad. The young lass's perfect form rocked back and forth, her beautiful eyes staring deeply into Gohan's bland and and downright freaky pupils. Something terrible was about to happen, Sharpener's knew this because he'd seen that look in plenty of girls' eyes before. Knowing what was coming, he had to act fast.   
  
"Gohan, you know how on Friday . . . there's this--"  
  
"FIRE!" Sharpener yelled and ran through the halls with his leg burning. "Help me, Gongso Han!" He ran right up to Gohan and Videl, arms flailing like a roach after being run through by a needle, then smashed into a locker. "Stop your meaningless conversation and save me! I'm on FIRE for GOD'S SAKE!" The fire had scorched his leg before Gohan was able to put it out. Videl just shook her head in disgust.  
  
"Uh, Sharpener . . . how did your leg get set on fire?" Gohan asked, once again forgetting the Golden Law of Sharpner's Wild Jungle: Don't speak to those of greater value than yourself without permission.  
  
"Quiet fool. Say, Videl . . . I need to talk to you, alone"  
  
"Well I don't need to talk to you, so you can just mosey on back to that festering corpse from which you came, you worthless little maggot," Videl said coldly. Sharpener didn't quite understand. She had seemed so friendly and open for attack when talking to the pointy nerd kid, but as soon as the Star Athlete Super Cool Great Fun Guy (Sharpener, for all you slow kids out there) appeared, she adopted a furious countenance. If Sharpener didn't know any better, he'd say that Videl hated him.  
  
'Hmm,' thought the amazing young lad, 'girls seem to have a weakness for puny little weak things, so maybe she'll open up to me if I introduce her to Tom!' "Wait Videl, how'd you like to meet my little friend? He's small, cute and furry, just like I know you like 'em! I bet if you get to know him personally, things between you and me will definately cool down . . . then maybe heat up."  
  
Unfortunately, Sharpener once again did not get the reaction he expected.   
  
*smash*  
  
"AUGH!"  
  
"Um . . . Videl, what were you saying?"  
  
She blushed slightly. "Nothing" The two walked off to class, but Sharpener was unable to follow for some time.   
  
  
  
--\\~!!!LATER THAT DAY, AFTER SCHOOL WAS OVER!!!~//--  
  
  
  
Sharpener wiped the sweat off of his brow, then took a swig of Diet Dr. Pepper. "Man, I don't know what to do, Tom! Videl won't talk to me at all." Sharpener complained to his companion. He was fixing up his car because it was in such terrible condition after a small incident involving two rowdy young ladies, Sharpener's buttocks, and a chain gun. It was a total babe magnet though, but that didn't matter since he himself was the epitome of sexiness.  
  
"Squeek!" Tom suggested, obviously forgetting that Videl wasn't your average girl. He was a rather amusing fellow, always making stupid suggestions and licking his friend just after eating fresh sewage.  
  
Sharpener looked at Tom like he was the stupidest rat in the world. "What the hell is the matter with you Tom? That'll never work! I need a real plan, and I need it soon or else that Gohat kid will outsmart me and win my true love! Such a small man is undeserving of the prize that is Videl!" Sharpener continued to work on the body of his car, while moving his own body to the intoxicating sounds coming through his speakers.  
  
~*~  
  
TOM JONES!:  
  
Spy on me baby, use satellite  
Infrared to see me move through the night  
Aim gonna fire shoot me right  
Aim gonna like the way you fight  
And I love the way you fight  
  
***  
  
sharpener:  
  
YO YO YO, DIS BE THA MAD SHARPENER, FOO!  
I'S BE COMIN' THROUGH  
YOU'S CAN'T STOP ME AND MAH CREW  
  
WHILE YOU THINK THAT I MAY BE RUDE  
I'M JUST THE KIND OF DUDE  
WHO AIN'T AFRAID TO BE NUDE  
WHILE EATIN' YO' FOOD  
  
***  
  
TOM JONES!:  
  
Sexbomb sexbomb you're a sexbomb  
You can give it to me when I need to come along  
Sexbomb sexbomb you're my sexbomb  
And baby you can turn me on turn me on darlin'  
Sexbomb sexbomb you're my sexbomb sexbomb  
You can give it to me when I need to come along  
Sexbomb sexbomb your're my sexbomb  
And baby you can turn me on  
  
***  
  
sharpener:  
  
WATCH OUT YO, FOR SHARPENER IS FAR TOO COOL  
HE'S STRONG AS AN OX AND CUTE AS A MULE  
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO STOP THIS MAD MAN, FOOL!  
  
YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONTEMPLATE  
THE IDEA THAT I COULD BE YO' MATE  
AIN'T YOU ATTRACTED TO MY STYLISH GAIT?  
COME ON BABY, BRING IN THE LOVE AND SHOVE OUT THE HATE  
  
***  
  
TOM FREAKIN' JONES!:  
  
Sexbomb sexbomb you're my sexbomb  
And you can give it to me when I need to be turned on  
no, no  
Sexbomb sexbomb you're my sexbomb  
  
And baby you can turn me on turn me on  
And baby you can turn me on turn me on  
Baby you can turn me on turn me on  
Ooh baby you can turn me on turn me on  
Baby you can turn me on oh  
Baby you can turn me on oh  
Baby you can turn me on  
Well baby you can turn me on  
  
~*~  
  
After being stimulated by that extremely exciting song, the gears in Sharpener's magnificent mind were set to work. "Hmm . . . if I set up some sort of disturbance that Videl couldn't possibly handle, then I could save her life and she'd fall in love with me all over again! Damn, I'm the sexiest beast ever to grace this shameful lump of dirt known as Earth! YEAH! . . . but what kind of ruckus should I cause, and how would I go about doing it?"  
  
"Squeek!"  
  
"Oh . . . my . . . goodness . . . YOU'RE A GENIUS TOM! That'll work perfectly!" Sharpener bent down to hug his rat, but stopped as soon as he saw it chewing his crispy leg. If Tom was anybody else, Sharpener would have surely killed him. "Damn you."  
  
"Dinner's ready!" Sharpener's mother sang out in her oh-so-sweet voice.  
  
"Okay Ma, be there in a second!" Sharpener pranced away to the restroom where he washed his hands (with soap) and headed to the dinner table. "Hey mom, could I borrow some Nitroglycerin? It's for a school project."  
  
"Certainly. Just don't use it all, I'm having another important meeting next week." Sharpener had no idea what her important meetings were about, but his mother always seemed to get a lot of money out of them.  
  
"Alright, thanks Ma!"   
  
"It's no trouble at all, lad," she told him, then took notice of his unusually charred leg. "Eh, what happened to your leg, little boy?" The concern in her sweet, motherly voice clearly evident.  
  
"It's nothin' Ma"  
  
"You're not getting into The Drugs, are you?"  
  
"No, ma'am! I don't do that kind of thing."  
  
"You'd better not, I won't have any criminals in my house, understood?"  
  
"Yes, ma'am. Understood."  
  
"Good. Do you know what to do if someone offers you The Drugs?"  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
"And remind me, what do you say?"  
  
"I Just Say No."  
  
"That's a good lad. And all you readers out there, don't give in to peer pressure. No matter how much fun your friends think they're having, you must realize that nothing is fun about spending twenty years in prison!"  
  
Tom rubbed his claws together. "Squeek!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
Sharpener's got an idea and a goal! Can anything stop him?  
  
I know that one was kinda short, but next time will be longer! Maybe.  
  
Oh, and Remember kids, listen to Tom Jones's music and don't do drugs!  
  
Now go review, you silly boys and girls! 


	5. W 3 R D

The Great Sharpener Man  
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Disclaimer: OMG ROFL LOLOLOLO!1!!!111!   
  
Look, this one's longer! Sort of, not really though I just got carried away with today's Sharpener Rap.  
  
Hi kids. Here's another chapter from the same guy who brought you the other four chapters. I wrote this Sunday morning, but I don't know when I'll post it 'cause the document manager's gettin' all bitchy with me.  
  
CH 5: W 3 R D.  
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯  
  
  
The day after Sharpener and Tom figured out their plan to win Videl's heart, the two had set out to do some early crime fighting before school. They say that the early bird gets the worm and that phrase might have applied to the situation, if Sharpener was into that kind of thing.  
  
The Great Saiyaman and The Seemingly Less Great Saiyarat strolled down the streets, keeping their eyes open for any bad guys that may have been up to bad things. Doctor Opportunity came knocking on their crappy screen door as the two super heroes entered the bank.  
  
~*~  
  
"Hey Bank Folks! Give us all your money!" A group of six robbers shouted at the tellers.  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Okay." The robbers left the bank without getting anything but dissatisfaction. They were scrawny fellows, probably even scrawnier than that Gohan kid, but they were awfully handsome. One of the men had a bright pink shirt with a flower on it. Another young fellow wore a feather in his hat. Three of them were triplets and the last was Freddie Prinze Jr. Yes, they were definitely a pretty bunch.   
  
"Stop, thieves! The Great Saiyateam is in the hizouse, and you's be steppin' on my turf, G Dawgz." Sharpener struck a mighty pose capable of destroying the planet if misdirected.   
  
"What?"  
  
Without warning, Super Specacular Saiya Sharpener opened up a can of badassery and beat his opponents down with a baseball bat. Tom aided in the ass-kicking frenzy by lending some very unhealthy diseases to the criminals by way of forced ingestion of rat fluids. By the time the brutal beating was finished, two of the foolish thieves were unconscious, Freddie Prinze Junior was dead, and the other three were no longer able to be identified as human beings. Not so pretty anymore, eh boys?  
  
"That'll teach you to mess with . . ." the fantastic hero said as he prepared another Earth-shattering pose.  
  
"THE" Sharpener placed one hand on his hip,  
"GREAT" and pointed to the criminals with the other,  
"SAIYA" then thrust his hips forward,  
"MAN!" and kicked high into the air.  
  
"Squeak!"  
  
The duo hobbled off to school, removing Sharpener's costume as they went. "I think that went rather well, don't you Tom," Sharpener asked in a heroic voice.   
  
~*~  
  
Sharpener flexed his massive muscles while leaning back in his chair. His tiny brain was working faster than a guy who needed to work really fast in order to do something important. Videl sat next to him. She sure was pretty. "Yummy Yummy," he said aloud, and much louder than he thought as he licked his lips.   
  
"Sharpener, what on Earth are you doing back there?" The teacher hissed.  
  
"I'm imagining what Videl would look like naked. Her ta-tas aren't that big, but they fit her body nicely."   
  
~*~  
  
"What do you mean 'sexual harassment'!?" Sharpener bellowed at the principal. "Videl and I have an understanding, she likes that kind of thing! Don't tell anyone else about this, but . . . we're pretty close, if you know what I mean. In case you don't, I mean   
  
  
.  
  
  
We've had sex!!!!!"  
  
  
.  
  
  
"Well Mister Sharpener, that's not what Ms. Videl said. There's a large number of witnesses to this event and I'm afraid we're going to have to suspend you," the principal told him.  
  
"Shouldn't you suspend Videl too, seeing as how she damages my manhood more than twice every week?" Sharpener reasoned. It was true that Videl and other girls hit his crotch a lot, most likely because they wanted to touch it all the time.  
  
"That's simply self defense, Sharpener. You have a bad reputation for advancing on women even when they clearly state that they're not interested, so it's been written in the school code of conduct that young ladies are allowed to attack that area of you specifically if they feel threatened," she explained  
  
"So, if I feel that a woman is interested in me, does that mean I can grab their special areas without warning too?"  
  
"NO! Where did you get that idea? Get out of my office and don't come back to this campus for a week! Don't even think about going anywhere near Videl either, she's an important part of this community and we don't want anything to happen to her."  
  
"But I'm an important part of the community too! Without me, the sun won't smile anymore!!!"  
  
"GET OUT!"  
  
"Will I still be able to go to the dance this Friday, since it's not being held at the school?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"I'LL GET YOU FOR INTERFERING WITH MY PLANS OF WINNING VIDEL'S HEART!" Sharpener said, then sicced Tom on her.   
The rat was able to tear open her face before she swatted him off and called for security.  
  
'Curses,' he thought as he excaped the room. 'This will make things much more difficult.' So poor little Sharpener left the school, but not before leaving a special surprise in front of the principal's door. "That'll teach 'er to suspend Sharpener . . . gah, I forgot my last name. Well, I can't go to the dance, but no one said that Saiyaman isn't allowed there!"   
  
~*~  
  
As Sharpener and Tom walked to their destination, they passed by an electronics store.  
  
''Eye witness reports say that The Great Saiyaman beat Freddie Prinze Junior to death with a baseball bat, then defiled his body. How could anyone do this to our beloved Freddie, who has stolen our hearts as well as my pet rooster? Officials are warning civilians to stay away from the so-called super hero and inform the police immediately if you happen to see him. The police will then proceed to beat the hell out of him. Now, a moment of silence for the fantastic Freddie Prinze Jr.''  
  
"What do they mean 'defiled his body'? Man, this day just keeps getting worse and worse," he whined.  
  
"Squeak!"  
  
"Hey, you're right! Once I go through with our master plan, I'll be a hero again and no one will even care that I accidentally murdered some stupid little kid. Haw, Haw, Haw! Haw."   
  
~*~  
  
After a few hours of walking, Sharpener and Tom made it to the dock, where the school dance would be held the next day.   
  
"Okay Tom, we need to get bizzay," Sharpener said in such a cool tone that it would make your teeth hurt, then send shivers down your spine. The super team then got 'bizzay' setting up their love trap. "Haw, Haw, Haw! Laugh with me, Tom! Laugh with me! HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW!"  
  
Such meticulous work offered no time for laughter, so Tom scolded Sharpener. "SQUEAK!"   
  
"My, my, aren't we fussy today? Stupid rat."  
  
LATER THAT DAY  
  
"Ah, our work is done for the day. Since we won't be able to get into the dance, we'll just hide out in this barrel for the night. I am such a badass." Sharpener definitely was not what he said he was. He was, in fact, a MAJOR BADASS. Or maybe the opposite of that.  
  
"Squeak!"  
  
"What'll we do to pass the time, you ask? FREESTYLE, G!"   
  
Tom slapped his forehead.   
  
~*~  
  
W3RD.   
  
I wouldn't wanna bore  
you anymore  
So check those skillz at the door  
Watch me get my groove on the floor  
As said in mythical lore  
  
Sharpener.   
  
Sharpener is getting busy   
And maybe even a little jiggy  
His legendary speedo may be a bit nippy  
But watch as he gets trippy  
He's da bomb diggity  
  
Definition.  
  
With his tongue's mad flexibility  
He will show you his rhyming ability  
And free yo' virginity  
But because he's so caring, not with hostility  
Do not you all love his personality?  
  
Keep Up.  
  
Hey yo yo YO With the Shar to the P  
And my hip to my knee  
It ain't so hard to be   
Livin' up style wit' me  
Don't ya'll agree?  
  
Unbeatable.  
  
'Sup to ma homies get down to ma brothas  
I be killin' Sally Struthers   
'Cause Sharp's betta than tha rest an' tha othas  
Meanin' that I cannot be topped by anotha  
Unless in my sleep with a pillow I am smothered  
  
Plot.  
  
Werd up style to the fifth  
My emotions will not soon shift  
Into the deep pit  
Or a bucket o' spit  
My rhymes be spillin' so fast I cannot quit  
  
Companion.  
  
Yo' homie Sharpener's gettin' down with his rat  
That rat who is always so phat  
'Specially when he wears them cowboy hats  
Into mortal combat  
Wit' dose mad nasty alley cats  
  
Take it.   
  
Videl will soon be mine  
AW, damn she is so fine  
I'll win her from that HanGo Son swine  
And swing to her on Tarzan's vine  
Then after beating my chest along wit other thangs I show her the V-Sign  
  
Feelins.  
  
Videl honey get off of that emotional seesaw  
For my love ain't somethin' I will withdraw  
Us bein' togetha, it's gotta be the law  
Now as these rhymes flow from my jaw  
I ask for you to give me yo' love--yo give it while it's raw  
  
Beef Stick.  
  
You know I cannot fight this desire  
So why must you send me up your Love Spire  
Then push me off into the murky Hate Mire?  
You're as feisty as a raging fire  
That's the thing about you that I most admire  
But this situation has become quite dire  
Much to my own great ire  
So now somethin' I require  
Is to do somethin' slightly wrong to inspire  
You to look upon me with those sweet eyes of saphire  
You will love me, but now I begin to tire  
So before I expire  
I must inquire  
Do you like the smell I give off when I perspire?  
  
Squeak!  
  
I wasn't asking you, dumbass.  
  
~*~  
  
So Sharpener and Tom spent the night in the barrel that smelled of fish and Sharpener's persperation, for he had forgotten to roll on his 'Teen Spirit' Deodorant that morning. When morning finally came, Tom was actually disappointed because his ugly friend began to rap again. Hey, if you grew up in a rich suburban area, you'd have a lot to rap about too, homie.  
  
~*~  
  
Go.  
  
When I see you smile   
I forget about that bile  
That I puked up after a while  
As you can see, I'm not without my own gangsta style  
For I done bust a cap in some pedophile  
And I am very versatile  
And if you think I may be vile  
I'll just go the extra mile  
And throw you on the pile  
And then maybe beguile   
But don't think my love is on trial  
You can look up my file   
It's right down the aisle  
Now I think I'll  
  
Stop.  
  
T o B e C o n t i n u e d !  
  
~*~  
  
Uh-Oh! Looks like little ol' Sharpy's gotten into some trouble with the law! Will that cause any problems with his wooing of Videl? Will anyone die in the next chapter? Does anyone at all like Sharpener? Will he ever give up rapping? All these questions and more will be answered on the next episode of . . . whatever the hell this is.  
  
A/N: I saw 'The Scorpion King' today. Aside from the scantily clad Asian chick, it was pretty worthless.  
Arg! now I'm bored. I would have waited till tomorrow to post this but seeing as how I have nothing to do, I might as well give someone else something to do, right?   
  
Well whaddya standin' around for, son? Hit that review button and gimme some sugar. 


	6. I forgot the title, and I'm too lazy to ...

"the great sharpener man"  
  
disclaimer: Ich bin ein buch.   
  
slightly inaccurate translation: Nurses can study their own cruel intentions, but only when allowed to support those more exciting women that would not live a good life without a daring and brave husband, who just happens to be a woman whose goals would be to ask every living thing if they would like to say that they would chuck a woodchuck out the window if he would not eat wood without wandering very far from that which is his own shadow.  
  
  
Here's some kind of chapter thing or something. It came out crappy every time I wrote it, so I gave up and decided on making it even worse than it was before.  
  
  
Hey, I just remembered a riddle I read in my old piano book.  
  
Here is a riddle for the wise: What has four wheels, also flies?  
  
  
  
The answer will be written at the bottom, unless I forget. Hint: It's not an airplane, stupid!  
  
  
  
CH 6: Showtime  
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Sharpener sat in the barrel, waiting for his time to become the king--the king of love. The boy was a marvelous thing to look at, unlike Gohan. Gohan was merely an 'okay' thing to look at. He didn't compare to Sharpener at all, except in the brains department where the Gohan kid seemed to have an advantage, albeit a slight one. Everyone knows that girls aren't interested in brains, though. They're smelly and gross to look at.  
  
[A/N: Don't bother reading the next "paragraph"]  
  
The two waited and waited for their time to strike. Their time was far from this point in time that is currently being described and nothing of great importance will happen from this time and the time when their plan will go into action, so the most reasonable thing to do would be to just not say a thing about this time which is being discussed at the moment that is now, and skip ahead to a much more important time in the lives of Sharpener and Tom, his rat.   
  
[I thought I told you not to read it.]  
  
~*~  
  
"Hey Tom, it looks like the dance is getting started! Soon Videl will be mine, kind of like this yo-yo is." Sharpener pulled the small yellow item out of his pocket and began to play with it. He showed his rat all the 'cool' tricks that made him so popular. You might think it would be difficult to play with a yo-yo while inside a barrel, but then again you might also think that Sharpener is ugly. In other words, you might be a fool.  
  
"Squeak?"  
  
"Huh? Who the hell cares if I kill some innocent people today? I swear Tom, you're really getting on my nerves." Sharpener continued to show off his 'mad yo-yoing skillz'.  
  
"Squeak . . ."   
  
"Hey! No more talking from you will be heard by me!"  
  
Just as Sharpener said that, a few couples showed up early and danced to the not-yet-existent music. They must have been morons or something, because no one dances to music that isn't there, unless they happen to be friendly aliens with the ability to hear music that is several miles away.  
  
"Squeak?"  
  
"Of course Videl's coming! She's the most popular girl in school. Why wouldn't she show up at the dance," Sharpener explained.  
  
"Squeak!"   
  
"Videl's never gone out with anyone before, so why would she go out with someone tonight? That little incident at the locker was just a one time thing," Sharpener explained. "She was probably just trying to get the dork's hopes up, then make him look like a fool. Yep, that's the Videl I fell in love with!"   
  
"Squeek?" Tom asked as more students began to fill the dance floor with their unworthy bodies.  
  
"Of course I'm sure, you silly rat."  
  
"Squeak . . ."  
  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Suddenly, all eyes were upon the talking barrel. Sharpener had made a mistake, something that rarely happens. Because he was suspended, he was not a welcome guest at the dance. Think quick Sharpener, or you'll be removed from your hiding place! Apparently the boy was as quick at thinking as he was at taming lions. "...Uh," For he had never tamed a lion before.  
  
  
  
"I -- A M -- K A M I, -- I N -- B A R R E L -- F O R M! -- Y O U -- W I L L -- C O N T I N U E -- T O -- D A N C E -- W H I L E -- I -- W A T C H -- O V E R -- Y O U, -- M A K I N G -- S U R E -- N O -- U N E X P L A I N E D -- E X P L O S I O N S -- O C C U R." That worked nicely, for all the children continued to dance and thanked their god for being so kind as to watch over them on that particular day. The students reminded Sharpener of books, for they were stupid-looking and useless.  
  
"Squeak."  
  
"Yeah, I should be more careful. Wait a second, isn't that Videl?" Sharpener inquired, as he watched an enchanting young lady hand her ticket to the ticket-holder-dude. After she got a bit closer, Sharpener was able to see that it was indeed Videl, but there was something terribly wrong with her. She had a NERD ATTACHED TO HER! "Tom, what's going on? Why is that goober holding on to Videl? I--I--I'm confused!"  
  
"Squeak," Tom suggested.  
  
"WHAT!? No, that's not possible! Why would she allow a lesser being to bring her to the dance? I think you must be mistaken Tom, for Videl is no fool." Then suddenly it all clicked. Sharpener realized the truth:  
  
Gohan was an evil wizard.  
  
"Ah! I understand now. That kid has Videl under some sort of spell! He's going to try to seduce her and steal her fortune to use as a bed for himself while he's in his Terrifying Dragon Form." He'd have to be a bit more careful now, for wizards are dangerous folk, they are. "Okay Tom, you're gonna have to lead the wizard away from Videl for a while so I can execute our plan. So here's what you're gonna do . . ." Sharpener began to whisper inaudibly for quite a while. "Got it?" he asked considerably later.  
  
"Squeak," Tom confirmed. The rodent set off to do the job he had been trusted with. He weaved his way through the students' legs until he made it to Gohan, who was talking to Sharpener's property. Tom crawled up Gohan's pants as quickly as possible, then stopped on his crotch, biting as hard as he could.  
  
The wicked sorcerer cried out in pain. "Augh! Videl, something's . . . bit me, so I'm gonna go . . . take care of it. Sorry." Gohan limped away, trying to beat to death the thing that bit him. Fortunately, Tom was too quick for Gohan.   
  
"Um, okay Gohan. Hurry back . . ." Videl said, almost looking disappointed. Sharpener knew that she was just putting on an act so the wizard wouldn't notice that the spell had been broken, though. Everyone knows that all you have to do to disspell a wizard's magic is to hit him in the crotch.  
  
~*~  
  
'Teehee,' thought the blonde babe with the brawny body, 'Now there's no one to stop me from attaining the greatest treasure in life. If all goes well, Videl will be mine by dinner time. Speaking of dinner, I wonder if she knows how to cook.'  
  
Just as the teenage super hero had hoped, Videl was standing directly on the area he had wanted. With a flip of Sharpener and Tom's handcrafted switch, there was a small explosion, lots of fire, and a very shocked Videl. The other students were also quite surprised. Didn't Kami say that he was watching over them? Strategically poured gasoline helped to create a ring of fire around Sharpener's prize. It looked like Videl was going to die on that night! Actually, it looked more like she was going to fall in love, because her savior had arrived just after the explosion occurred.   
  
"Fear not, fair maiden, for the GREAT SAIYAMAN IS HERE!" The other teens stared in shock and horror. Saiyaman did kill Freddie Prinze Junior, and everyone had been told to call the police if he were to show up again.   
  
Videl was confused. "Saiyaman? What the hell is going on?"  
  
"Don't worry about a thing madam, I will use my super strength to save you!" Because he was a super hero, Sharpener was also immune to fire so he walked right through the flames, trying to look like as much of a badass as possible. Something went horribly wrong though, because The Great Saiyaman somehow ended up on fire and in terrible pain. "WHY!?" The super boy had gone too far to stop now, so despite the pain, he continued to pursue Videl. "I'll . . . save . . . you!"   
  
"Don't touch me, you idiot!" Videl screamed. She tried her best to keep her distance from the **flaming** young man, but he continued to pursue his love interest.  
  
'I've got to get her to ease up a bit . . .' he thought. 'Ah, I know! I'll sing a song!'  
  
~*~  
  
*Cough*  
  
Videl, I's be needin yo' love, girl  
You's be so pretty you make my mind whirl  
  
*Wheeze*  
  
My creative juices keep flowin'  
All for you baby, somethin' you should be knowin'  
  
*Hack*  
  
The lights is beginning to dim  
But you continue to excite my most prized limb  
  
*Cough*  
  
Don't worry about this fire  
The situation isn't yet dire  
  
*Wheeze*  
  
And though it gets hard to see  
I still know that you're the most beautiful thing, next to me  
  
*Hack*  
  
The flame's be burnin' my flesh  
But like Will Smith, I still be fresh  
  
*Cough*  
  
~*~  
  
Sharpener was unable to stand or speak any longer, and he fell to the ground.  
  
To be continued!  
Uh-Oh, cliffhanger! Actually I just didn't know where to go from here. Oh well, I'll figure it out tomorrow.  
  
The answer to that riddle was A Garbage Truck. Get it?  
  
Thanks to you people who reviewed, and a special thanks to Frozenflower for advertising my story, though I don't think it'll make much of a difference in how many nice reviews I receive since this story is something like the opposite of fantastic.   
  
I think I'll upload this now.   
Nah, I'll wait until tomorrow, which is today, or maybe after that which is . . . eh? 


	7. Bakuretsu Muteki Shyapuna

The Great Sharpener Man

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Disclaimer:  I don't own Dragon Ball or its characters.

Now, lez rock dis joint housewife style, sucka-foo. *cough* 

Chapter 7: Bakuretsu Muteki Shyapuna

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Previously . . . FIRE!!!

The smoke and fire caused our great hero to lose consciousness before he could save his beloved from his own death trap. Fortunately for him, his rat had returned from a certain Evil Wizard's pants to save that one guy with the blonde hair and large, powerful muscles that was previously referred to as 'our great hero'. 

"Squeak!"  Everyone stared in shock as a horrible rat leapt through the flames and latched onto Saiyaman's cape.  It dragged him out of the fire and into the darkness, leaving Videl to roast. The fact that a rodent could possess such strength and determination was inspiring, so a few brave souls attempted to save Videl, only to burn to death.  Those poor, poor fools never had a chance. With Saiyaman out of commission and a deadly ring of fire encircling the precious Satan girl, how could she possibly live to see another school dance?

~!~

The next day, Sharpener awoke in a very comfortable bed, much to his surprise.  He attempted to remove himself from the soft furniture in order to use the restroom, but was for some reason unable to.  He found that he was wrapped in bandages, and that he could no longer see out of one eye.  They were very itchy and red; much like his skin was when he tried to create clothes out of a pretty bush while on a camping trip.  That was a splendid venture, but the time for going into detail of it is not now.  

Upon further inspection of his godly body, Sharpener came to a shocking realization. One of his legs was no longer present.  He searched in vain for the missing limb, but soon came to accept the fact that it was gone, and gone for good.  Another alarming insight came to him then:  Saiyaman would be unable to protect the city if he had no leg.  Without Saiyaman, criminals would be able to walk the streets freely and take whatever they wanted from the fine citizens of his city.  If Saiyaman was not around, Videl could easily be . . . .

"Ah crap, I killed Videl last night, didn't I," Sharpener remembered.  Just then, an extremely annoying clicking sound was heard by Sharpener down the hallway.  He recognized it immediately as his best buddy's claws pattering against the floor.  

"Squeak," Tom told Sharpener as he handed the blonde boy a newspaper.

--Satan's Daughter Saved by Stunning School Friend

Friday night, a young man by the name of Son Gojan rescued Mister Satan's daughter Videl from a fiery death.  

The boy boldly rushed through a massive flame that erupted and encircled Videl, then carefully brought her to a safer place.  Son was offered a great reward from the fantastic World Champion, but gratefully declined.  

Authorities say that the fire may have been caused by The Great Saiyaman in an attempt to gain a monopoly on the crime-fighting industry . . . .  --

There it was, in black in white, and in the very language which Sharpener best comprehended.  Everyone thought that the villain was a hero and the hero a villain.  Sharpener could only handle so many disappointments in one day.  One more might send him through the roof like Steve Urkel's rocket ship that he made as a science project with Laura in that one episode of 'Family Matters.'  Shortly after recovering from the news which had been brought, Sharpener was greeted by his mother. 

"Good morning sleepy-head!" She sang out.  "I brought you some pancakes and toast!"  The lovely little lady placed a food tray on her son's lap, and then began feeding him with a plastic fork.  "Sorry, you're not good enough for silverware," she told him.  "Oh, and I suppose I should tell you that you've been scarred for life and now look like a horrible monster."  The sweet and kind female then held up a mirror for Sharpener to see his now hideous face.  His skin was no longer smooth and friendly to the touch.  It had become rough and bumpy like an armadillo's buttocks.  The long, golden locks that had won so many 'Pretty Man Hair' contests had been burnt off.

"No!"  Sharpener cried out as he attempted to launch himself through the roof, but then remembered that he was not a rocket.  "How will I win Videl now, if I'm a monster?"  The idea that he and his love could never be together again sent the poor boy into a fit of rage.  He began kicking and screaming with all his might, until his mother slapped him.

"Shut the hell up and eat your food!"  The weakened warrior did as he was told.

"Squeak," Tom suggested.  

"Good gravy Tom, that's brilliant!  All I have to do is threaten to kill Videl, and then have the Wizard use his magic to restore my beautiful features.  If he ever wants his gold, he'll have to do it.  What would I ever do without you, Tom?"  

"Squeak," Tom answered.

"You think so?"  All this rat talk had been pissing Sharpener's mother off, so she left the room.  "Well, I guess we best be getting started, pal!"  With that said Sharpener grabbed a red bandana with white polka dots and tied it over his bald head.  He then placed an eye patch over his damaged sense organ and shoved a peg up his leg.  "Yar!  Sharpener be mad pimpin' in dis piece!"

~!~

Yo ho, ho and a bottle of rum

Sharpener's in the house rhymin' like a biatch, son!

You best hide your wenches and call for your mum

'Cause this bad S.o.B. is out for some fun!

With the same goal but with a mad madder style

Brotha Sharpy's gonna go the extra mile

Although he'll be gone for a while

Due to the fact that he's got a busted smile

In case you haven't been paying attention

I've got two intentions

One is to send that Son Wizard into the next dimension

The other is to make Videl my possession

Yo, yo son, this is it

Just like my pants, this plan fits

And although you might not want to admit

I am a man of incredible wit

So grab my ass and kiss my crack

'Cause yo' homie Sharpener is back

He be plannin' his attack

So get ready for him to rock this shack

I be Invincible and Explosive

The rhymes I spew is mad corrosive

And Son Gohan, for the pain that you did give

I will no longer allow you to live

~!~

After spending a week recovering from his burns, Sharpener returned to school.  The new peg leg made and intimidating 'clack' as it slapped the floor.  His fellow students turned their empty heads in horror when they saw him walk past them.  Sharpener was quite pleased that they feared him, for it would make his plans work much better.  With new determination, and confidence, he approached Videl.  

"Don't worry sweet heart, I'll save you."  He then left the baffled babe for his classroom and offered the deadly wizard that stood next to her a death glare and a threat that he was sure he could back up.  "You'll get yours, kid.  You'll get yours."  

~!~

That chapter was short and lacked humor, but it was very important.  Another important thing is the fact that I love you all.  Don't do drugs.

Angry and Pointless A/N:  I really don't like it when the author goes out of her/his way to note that the characters are speaking Japanese, then mixes in Japanese insults and such with English.  If you're already pretending that they're speaking Japanese, then what the hell is the point?  


	8. School Play, Huh?

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The Great Sharpener Man  
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Disclaimer: I don't own anything.   
  
Hi.  
  
  
Wow, I got three whole reviews for the previous chapter. Go me, and to everyone else, Go die! HAHAHAH! Thunder Cats! Ho!   
  
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Chapter 8: A School Play? Damn, Am I Creative or What?  
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School wasn't as cool as many famous celebrities said it was. Every class was extremely boring, until a certain Fine Arts teacher walked into the room.  
  
"Hello students! I have a very joyous announcement for you all today," Mr. Deater said cheerfully, dancing like a monkey with a music box. "The school will be having a magnificent play, and you all are going to be the stars! The play is called 'Captain SmallBeard Strikes for the First Time.' It is about a boy named Morris Zack and a girl named Kapowski Kelly, who have been friends forever, and an evil pirate who has set out to find a queen for his Dastardly Pirate Crew. Unfortunately, he's chosen Kelly as his future queen, but once Zack rescues her, the two will realize that they love each other and live happily ever after!" He took his seat, but rose almost immediately afterward, his happiness so uplifting that not even gravity could hold down the enormous tub of blubber known as his ass. "We will be casting for roles today . . . oh, just look at me, what else would we be casting for? Ah, Ha-ha!" He leaned over his desk and picked up a stack of papers. "Now now, young men, I'll need you to line up down here and remove your shirts to see who's fit for the role of the hero. He needs to be well developed and . . . juicy . . ."  
  
The young men in the classroom got up and walked down the steps to show off their chests. Sharpener thought it was the stupidest plot he had ever heard. As he was walking down the steps, he tripped on his peg leg and fell.   
  
"Mmmm . . . that's marvelous--simply marvelous!" Mister Deater exclaimed as he watched his students remove their tops. "Excuse me Mr. Son, are we not participating today," he asked a very nervous Gohan, "Because if that's the case, you can just say 'goodbye' to your streak of perfect scores!" Old man Deater placed a hand on his hip and put his weight on one leg. "I'm waiting . . . ."  
  
Sharpener climbed to his foot and said something clever. [1] Then he removed his Pokémon t-shirt, revealing something that looked like an incredibly thick stick of beef jerky. Yummy.  
  
The other students snickered as Gohan unwillingly untucked his shirt, then stared in shock when he completely removed it. There stood the most perfect muscles any boy or girl in the school had ever seen. So . . . firm and . . .  
  
~*!luscious!*~   
  
A few poor students even died from overexposure to SexyManRays. They all had oddly shaped heads, so no one cared whether they lived or died anyway. [2]  
  
"OOOH!" Mr. D. squealed with delight. "My, my, Gohan, aren't we Mister Hotpants? Speaking of pants, remove them, immediately!" Gohan said something about not being able to afford underpants or something, so the teacher reluctantly agreed to let him keep his hot red [3] pants on. "You will most definitely play the part of Zack."  
  
"Hey, what about me," Sharpener asked, feeling a bit disgruntled by the teacher's selection, "aren't I sexy enough?" He flexed his muscles, which began to tear from the strain he put on them.  
  
Mister Deater looked over Sharpener's scarred body. "OOh, you would be just perfect for the role of SmallBeard!" An angry student stated that he was twice the actor that Sharpener was, but Mr. D. retaliated by saying that he cared not for acting skills, but only for looks. "It's what all directors do! Oh, and everyone else isn't important to this story so just go home now and reappear when you're needed again, except Videl will be playing Kelly because she's got a nice ass, and Erasa will be playing Busty the Bedwench since she's such a slut."  
  
Sharpener couldn't help but spaz with newfound delight. This role would certainly help with his plans.  
  
~*~  
  
The rest of the school day was not quite as interesting, for the P.E. coach wouldn't allow crippled boys to participate in sports, much to Sharpener and Tiny Tim's vexation.   
  
Sharpener met Videl, Erasa, and Gohan at their lockers after school was over. "Hello Videl. Erasa. Nerd," he greeted the three as formally as possible, "I noticed that we all have leading roles in the play, so I was thinking that we could rehearse together today." The other three reluctantly agreed, but Sharpener knew that they loved him more than they tried to make him believe. "We'll meet at Videl's house since she's rich and rich folks don't mind others intruding on their property." Before Videl could respond, Sharpener had left the scene. Erasa had the same opinion as Sharpener and left just as quickly, so Videl couldn't do much other than stand around and look sexy.  
  
~*~  
  
Sharpener arrived at Videl's home a bit later than the others because Saiyaman had to stop to beat an unruly jaywalker into submission. The beautiful blonde boy strutted around the house and shoved into his pocket whatever looked like it would be worth something. Tom scolded him, but Sharpener explained that he was only doing what Robin Hood would do. Robin Hood and Sharpener were a lot alike: They were both badasses.  
  
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I had to do something that you would find irresistibly sexy." The fools didn't seem to care at all, so Sharpener said nothing more to avoid possible embarrassment.   
  
"So, what scene do you guys want to start on," Erasa asked.  
  
"How about the love scene with Captain SmallBeard and Kelly," Shaprener responded. Videl politely informed him that no such scene existed, and advised the handsome devil to get the hell out of her home before she had him arrested. Noticing the furious look on her face, Sharpener stepped out of the room. He got somewhat lost on his way back to the entrance, and ended up in a room decorated with lace and pretty colors. Sharpener assumed it was Videl's. He was wrong.  
  
A familiar butler sat on the bed. "Why hellooo, young man. Your face has changed, but I can see you're the same boy who was oh-so strange! You've come back for more, and for you I have much in store! Maxwell is in the house and he wants to make you his spouse!" The amazing butler clapped his hands, activating some sort of automated door-closer. "Make yourself at home, you sexy little gnome."  
  
"Crap."  
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile, on Kaio-shin Kai . . .  
  
A short, purple man with a white mohawk was nearing completion of his newest puzzle, a picture of a goat on a scooter. "Hmm, that's odd. There seems to be a piece missing. Kibito, have you seen the last piece of my puzzle?"   
  
A large pink man responded in a deep voice, "I may have. Would you describe it to me, Master Kaio-shin?"  
  
"Well, it was small with little nubs on each side that fit into this empty space, right here," the purple-skinned fellow explained.   
  
Kibito turned somewhat pale. "That . . . was a puzzle piece? I--I thought it was . . . candy."  
  
"You *ate* my puzzle piece?"  
  
"Master Kaio-shin, I'm sorry!"  
  
"Sorry just won't cut it," Kaio-shin said as an impressive pair of shears formed in his palm. "but these scissors will. I'm all set to play doctor, how about you?" Kibito's swallowed hard and prepared for his operation.  
  
~*~  
  
Back on Earth, a little while later . . .   
  
"Young man, I'm going out tonight, I expect you to behave yourself!" Sharpener's mother said and left her son alone.  
  
"Home alone? Wow, what wacky adventures await me tonight?" Sharpener asked and clapped his hands together.  
  
"Squeak!"  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
To be continued!  
  
  
[A/N]:   
  
[1]  
  
It would be too clever for a foolish mortal like yourself to comprehend, so I won't bother typing it out.  
  
[2]  
  
Go watch 'Gohan Goes to Highschool'. There's some kid with squiggly blue hair and a really long head when we see an aerial view of the classroom. I don't like it.  
  
[3]   
  
In the Japanese version, Videl describes the Gold Fighter's pants as *brown.* They actually look orange to me.  
  
---  
Okay, let's see here...  
  
[x]School Dance  
[x]Jealous Asshole  
[x]School Play  
[x]Public Removal of Gohan's Shirt  
[ ]Kidnap  
  
ALMOST DONE!  
  
Shiver me timbers and bite me teats  
I'm gonna make a big boat out of sweets  
But not with peppermint, for it gives me gas  
Now go review before I kick you in the ass! 


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